Why, Waiting, and God's Kindness

I shiver into bed at night and imagine my death. From cancer. The thought of my children possibly having to see me weak, sick, dying, turns my heart to stone.

These thoughts of my mortality have been brought into sharp relief by the wait for results from this week's PET scan (just done for a new baseline.  I hope.)  I've been crying out to God again, the "Why?" question.  Where's the good in human pain?  I wrestle with my thoughts. I wrestle with God. At least I would if I could find him.

I sound like Job, that other questioning sufferer.

And just like he did for Job, God shows up. Gently, patiently. Opening my eyes to his loving presence, my heart to his eternal Word. 

I watch the kids trying out their new little pottery wheel and realize: Trust requires humility.  The clay (that's me) can't say to the Potter (that's God) "Why did you make me like this? Or allow this to happen?" because the clay (that's me) realizes that she is simply a mindless lump of minerals compared to the Potter (that's God), the Expert at forming beauty out of blobs, the One who has in his Mind the whole process from start to finish.

I reread the story of some other beings made from clay. Adam and Eve, unlike me, were sinless and lived in a perfect world. But they still chose the wrong path.  What on earth makes me think I could do any better?  The smartest-ever human realized this:  There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 16:25)

This week's Bible study just "happens" to be on the kindness and goodness of God. It seeps into my soul: Isaiah 12:2 whispers, then shouts, "The Lord God is my strength and my song. . ."  Not only does God help me endure, He brings joy and delight to my life.  He tenderly cares for me like a mother, even when I don't realize it or appreciate his care. (Hosea 11:3-4)

Of course the sermon is about trusting God in uncertain circumstances. "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him." (Romans 8:28).

But why stop with just one verse of that amazing chapter?

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?  Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? . . .

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? . . .No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)


God's love surrounds me. No matter what. And he even has the kindness to answer my weak prayers to feel that love in my heart and not just believe it with my head.